When our oldest son was three-years-old, he was obsessed with all things nature. Many of his conversations revolved around animals and he loved nothing more than to curl up with an animal book or nature documentary. During the day, his play centered around the animal world. He would pretend to be a ring-tailed lemur, meerkat, or an endangered condor. He would assign animals to his baby sister.
“Today you are a komodo dragon!” he’d declare with a mischievious grin.
This was our normal, and it was only when we were out in public that we would realize it was not normal for everyone else. Our little guy’s big vocabulary and fund of knowledge would draw stares and spark awkward conversations.
There was the time my 3-year-old explained defense mechanisms to an awe-struck elderly woman in a checkout line after she had asked how his day was going. Another time, at a restaurant, he informed our server that cuttlefish often change gender for mating purposes. And then there was the time we were at a playdate and he decided to liven up the potty humor by adding the words feces, scat, dung, manure, droppings, and guano.
He was three… and a very asynchronous three at that!
Asynchronous children are many ages at once
One of the hallmarks of giftedness is asynchronous development. While most children develop in a relatively uniform way, gifted children are asynchronous in their development and the more gifted the child, the more asynchronous that child may be. This can result in large gaps between a child’s physical, intellectual, and social-emotional development and functioning. A gifted child can have the intellect of an adult with the emotions of a child.
This asynchrony is most pronounced in the early years. It can prompt head scratches, odd looks, and judgment-laced conversations with strangers.
Asynchronous development can also impact relationships with age-mates. Gifted children are often said to have social issues, and I believe that many of these challenges are related in part to asynchronous development.
Asynchronous kids can have difficulty relating to same-aged peers
When I think about our son’s asynchrony as it relates to his same-aged peers, I always come back to the portcullis story:
I remember that morning as if it had happened yesterday. We were just leaving the restaurant, where we had enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with friends. I had met these women when we’d had our first babies, at a mothers’ group sponsored by the hospital where we had delivered. Those first babies were now 5-years-old and each had at least one younger sibling.
We held the door for one another and shuffled our tribe carefully out of the restaurant and into the parking lot. The kids were busy fooling around, and their laughter filled the air until one voice shouted above the rest. I knew that voice very well: it was my 5-year-old son.
“Hey! GUYS!! LOOK!! LOOK!!!!Doesn’t that latticework remind you of a portcullis? It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”
He was jumping up and down, bursting with excitement, pointing toward the restaurant’s garden and trellis.
His friends paused for a moment, looked in the general vicinity of where he was pointing for a moment, and then carried on with their play. I, too, looked at the trellis and then I grabbed my phone and Googled portcullis.
Relying on Google was becoming a necessity, as our son was getting far more information from his books than from his parents. It turns out that a portcullis is a heavy iron gate, often found in medieval castles, that could be lowered for protection during an enemy attack. Our son was right, as usual: The latticework did resemble a portcullis and it was beautiful.
I turned from my phone to my son, who was still staring with awe at the beauty of the garden trellis, and then I looked at his friends, who had continued with their play while their moms chatted nearby. My heart did a little flip-flop. That flip-flop, like Google, was happening more often these days, too. Sure, these kids were kind and accepting of him now, at 5-years-old, but would it always be like this? The gap between our son and his peers was growing before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I knew, right then and there, that our son was going to need some Portcullis Peeps, kids who understood his language.
Gifted children need intellectual peers
The portcullis story is a perfect example of the divide that happens with gifted children and their age-mates. How can I expect my son’s peers to understand and connect with him if his own mother doesn’t always understand him? No child was going have the ability, nor the time, to Google his words as I do.
My son has wonderful same-age friends. I am fortunate in that he has yet to encounter many struggles. Still, I am not naive to think it will always be this way. His vocabulary, fund of knowledge, thoughts, worries, and even his play scenarios are not typical for an 8-year-old. This is why I have worked hard to find intellectual peers for our son.
The first time I witnessed my son with an intellectual peer, I got chills… and so did the other child’s mother. The connection was immediate, the conversation was fascinating, and the smiles were gigantic. It made me determined to find more intellectual peers for him.
It can be challenging to find intellectual peers for your child. Public school classrooms and extracurricular activities are most often grouped by age. I am thankful that homeschooling allows for more freedom in this area. Our family has had great luck with multi-age activities and classes. My son has been taking a multi-age art course for that past several years. It is amazing to watch him learn and grow in that setting. He is thriving and mature and happy.
These kids need intellectual peers. Here are three tips for finding them:
- One word: Google.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: Thank goodness for Google! I don’t know what parents of gifted learners did before the internet. Google has not only helped me to answer my children’s many questions, but it has connected me with a wealth of resources for gifted families. - Find a community.
I realize this is easier said than done, but believe me they are out there! If Google doesn’t work, search MeetUp or post on gifted sites and listservs. - If you can’t find a community, grow your own.
I’m a huge introvert. I didn’t want to start a gifted group in my area, but there was a need. I took a deep breath and did it. If you build it, they will come. And come they did. I’m proud of the community I am growing in the Granite State. In fact, it has blessed my geeky life so much that a friend and I decided to create an online community for parents of gifted and twice-exceptional children.
Are you parenting an asynchronous child, too?
If you are the parent of a gifted, asynchronous child, please know this: You are not alone. Here are some tips from a mom who is right there in the trenches with you:
- Read up on asynchronous development to gain a deeper understanding of your child and his or her unique needs. This will also help you, and others, to adjust and manage expectations as they relate to your child.
- Don’t be afraid to think outside the box when it comes to your child’s education. You know your child best so go with your gut. Do not be afraid to choose non-traditional paths if they feel right.
- Know that gifted children need intellectual peers. Your child needs those Portcullis Peeps in order to feel understood and whole. Find them, they are out there. If you cannot find them, create a group of your own and I promise you they will come.
- Help your child navigate his or her asynchrony. Yes, it can be extremely challenging to parent and educate an asynchronous child, but stop for a moment and imagine what it must feel like to be that child. Talk about strengths and weaknesses, teach coping skills, and don’t be afraid to seek help when necessary. It takes a village.
Wondering if your child is gifted/2e?
Looking to build those social-emotional skills?
Here are some posts that might help:
10 Ways to Foster Emotional Intelligence at Home
Family Kindness Project {Have You Filled A Bucket Today?}
Big-Hearted and Brilliant: Service Ideas That Flex Empathy Muscles and Expand Young Minds
Are you navigating social issues with your asynchronous child?
Be sure to check out these related posts:
When Your Child is a Perfectionist
Perfectionism, Fear of Failure, and the Gifted Child
When it Feels Like Worry is Winning
I’m Sensitive. What’s YOUR Super Power?
Sensory STUFF (Overexcitabilties, intensities, SPD, ADHD, anxiety, behavior call it what you will)
Finding and Forging Gifted Friendships
And My World Changed Forever: The Importance of Parent Groups
Bully Prevention at Home
Now, it’s your turn. Tell me: Is your asynchronous child struggling with social issues? What has helped? Share here!
This post is part of the Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page August 2016 Blog Hop: Gifted Social Issues. Please click the image below to keep on hopping!
Caitlin Fitzpatrick Curley
Cait co-hosts The Homeschool Sisters Podcast and is co-founder of Raising Poppies, a community for parents of gifted and twice-exceptional children. Cait is also founder of the Family Book Club at My Little Poppies, a fantastic community of book-loving parents and the Gameschool Community at My Little Poppies, a vibrant community of gameschoolers.
Cait is a contributing writer for Simple Homeschool. Her work has also appeared on The Huffington Post, The Mighty, Scary Mommy, GeekMom, and many others. You can find her on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram
and G+.
Latest posts by Caitlin Fitzpatrick Curley (see all)
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Beautiful entry and thank you and your son for teaching my daughter and I what a portcullis is!
And thank you for reading!
BTDT. Homeschooling was great for the mixed age groups, but we wound up facing a whole ‘nother round of social heartbreaks when the homeschool-mates who were 3-5yo older started being attracted to girls. They’d still happily do group work with my pg-let but the hang out time afterwards stopped happening because there was the disconnect with puberty. It’s hard, no doubt.
It’s so hard to be different when you are a child, whether you are four or fourteen.
So many times the focus is on asynchronous development and it’s implications in an academic context. Thank you for this piece full of voice and honesty about the social implications. Great advice too!
So true. Thank you, Ben!
Cait, thank you so much for this post. All of my children are bright, but none of them exceptionally so. However, I do have a daughter who seems unusually competent in her ability to accomplish tasks and projects. She has taught herself crafts I’ve never learned. What I was reminded most by reading this post is that even though she out-crafts me, she’s.still.nine. Sometimes I’m thrown off base by her lack of emotional maturity, but she’s probably right on track in that area. I keep thinking that she’s older (of course, older than 9 is a teenaged girl, and I don’t know that that will bring a lot of emotional stability, but …). All that to say, thanks for the reminder!
Thanks, Lynna!
I often have to remind myself how old he is, so I completely understand what you are saying. On another note, I’d love for my kids to teach ME new crafts- lucky you! <3
Cait, This is so clear and well-written. These kids desperately need peers who understand and really get them. I understand when you described getting chills when your son found a friend who understood him and who could relate to him. It is such a relief for parents when their child finds this. And it is a relief when parents find other parents of gifted kids who also understand this.
It is a huge relief! Thank you, Gail!
Caitie. I love reading your posts. Your examples are so real and so wonderful. It is at least easier now with Google and the Internet. There are so many more available resources for parents that are readily available online. Like your blog!! And you. A little less loneliness as a result, methinks.
Aw, thank you Paula. I am forever thankful for the internet. Where would I be without my friend Google? 🙂
We knew we were going to face challenges when our 21-month old child corrected a friend who was pretending to make various animal noises for our little one.
“Don’t be silly. A giraffe doesn’t have a larynx,” he said.
Our friend almost dropped him.
He’s fully grown now, but the social aspect was rarely a problem outside of academic settings. He was an extroverted kid who loved people of all ages. He made a study of human behaviour the way some children study animals and adapted to all levels of development. For a while we had him in a school that allowed children to progress at their own rate. He had a friend there who could keep up but this turned out to be one of the least healthy relationships as it became extremely competitive and led to burnout for both boys.
After that we all learned to just enjoy life and recognize that very few of us have close friends who understand. When we find them it’s a marvelous gift. The benefit of home school and small one room schools is that no one expects siblings and classmates to conform to the same level.
And I agree about Google.
The giraffe comment made me smile! What a great story <3 It is a marvelous gift when we find those kindred spirits. Thank you so much, Charis, for sharing your story!
Describes my just turned four year old exactly. trouble is we live in a small community with minimal connections – makes me sad that he’s missing out 🙁 I feel I should be doing more. He’d rather engage in adult conversation than join in play with the 5-7 year olds in our lovely little homeschool group.
Do not feel badly. You are doing the best you can, and that is huge. Plus, adult connections and mentors are SO important to these kiddos. <3
I am still in awe when I meet someone who truly gets me, even in my 40’s! It’s a lonely world out here, but sometimes we are lucky enough to find someone who clicks like that. I wish I knew more about gifted traits when I was a kid so perhaps I could have found more of those connections earlier. Being put in “gifted programs” does not automatically mean finding people like you, either. Many schools put bright and high performing kids into those programs and leave out gifted kids due to stereotypical beliefs that gifted means high performing (when many gifted kids do not jump through those hoops, and many non-gifted kids’ parents push for the label…) So yes, being ok to do nontraditional or alternative things is great advice. I also wish I had known more about homeschool options with my older children… Now my youngest is homeschooling and enjoys it so much. It takes a lot of energy to help these kids access what they need, but they are so worth it. Thanks for the article!
They are worth it! Thank you for sharing your family’s story. You are correct: we are lucky to find those connections. Have a wonderful year homeschooling!
This post really spoke to me. It’s an issue I struggle with and I constantly question if there is more I should be doing.
I can relate to your examples. I recall one incident in particular where my son drew a map depicting the route from his preschool to our home, He wanted to include his classmates homes on the map too but none of them knew where they lived …or that streets and roads had names or numbers .. or what a direction was. It broke my heart when his teacher told me. Like you, that was our normal.
I’ve been on the fence about IQ testing due to the cost and the knowledge that it would not change much for us as homeschooling parents. However, where I think it would be beneficial, is opening doors to groups where my son could find like-minded friends.
He met a gifted child a few years ago and their interaction make me cry happy tears. How lonely it must be to not having people who understand you. What other 6 year old has interest like, architecture, chemistry and computer programing? Don’t get me wrong, he has friends thorough, sports and other activities but no intellectual friends. There are other adult in his life you “get” him — like his piano teacher and primary care doctor, That’s nice to see too.
Sorry to ramble on. But thanks for the post. It helps to know you are not alone.
Carol, I loved reading about your family. It’s true: we are not alone, although it can feel lonely sometimes. <3
My grandson was not yet two when my daughter woke up in the wee hours to discover him sitting next to her watching a dinosaur video on her ereader. He had managed to find the video on the Internet and start it without being able to read. At about the same age he woke her by roaring in her ear. When she protested he informed her that he *was* a baby t-rex and they are nocturnal hunters. He continued to insist for another three years that in a just world he would be allowed to live at the Smithsonian with his people. He is about to turn six and enter first grade.
I love this story! Thank you so much for sharing it, Kit!
Thank you for this article. My son is 8 and is a highly intelligent, gifted child. He meets many of these criteria that go along with asynchrony. He loves other kids, but has trouble fitting in with them many times. He worries far beyond any child I have ever seen and it saddens me for him. I am beyond thankful and proud of his giftedness and his love for learning, but am caught between that pride and also a worry for his “not fitting in” easily.
He sounds like my little guy, Beth! Are you on Facebook? If so, please join our Raising Poppies group. It’s a wonderful community of parents- lots of kindred spirits! <3
This is so true! Almost all of your posts make me cry and this is no exception.
I want to say thank you. Since I found your website , it has really helped me to understand who I am, and nknow that I am not alone. I am a 12 year old 2E girl and I cannot tell you enough how amazing it is to read about others like me.
Aw, thank you for commenting 2e girl 🙂 You are not alone!
Our son is a bright 6 year old who is far wiser than his years. He is also very small for his age which makes him seem younger than he is. He has an august birthday, so at school, he is usually almost a year younger than his peers. This coupled with the fact that his emotional development is developing slower than his intellect makes him a “challenging” child in a classroom. It is hard to explain to teachers that he is so smart when what they see is him being an immature boy. I have even recently had a teacher ask why I didn’t hold him back a year due to his birthday and size. If anything, he needs to skip a grade.