At the risk of appearing pathological, here goes nothing… Leo is afraid of the television [and I may be to blame].
Leo was born busy. He’s spirited. He has spunk. Actually, Leo was a mover and a shaker even before he entered the world, but that can be a story for another day. As an infant, Leo rarely slept. He didn’t follow any of The Books and he never did what They Said. For the longest time, he would sleep for a maximum of two hours, from approximately 6-8 pm (read: before we were even asleep) and then wake up every twenty minutes thereafter. During daytime hours, he could. not. be. put. down. I wore that child everywhere, all the time. And wearing him was only half the battle. Leo screamed almost nonstop for his first ten months on the planet had colic and “silent” acid reflux. He was failure to thrive and was not even on the growth curve, and yet he never stopped moving. That’s yet another story for another day. Anyway, I literally wore that kid from sun up ’til sundown seven days a week. Sundays, *if* Schizz was off, I would hand off the child and quickly wash the sling that I had been wearing for seven days straight before donning it once more. I didn’t say it then but I can say it now: it was really, really hard.
“OH MY GOD!!! HERE YOU ARE AGAIN WITH YOUR CRYING BABY!! HA HA HA!!! I ALWAYS RECOGNIZE YOUR CRYING BABY AND THAT PRETTY LITTLE SLING! HA HA HA!! IT’S SO FUNNY THAT HE IS CRYING EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE YOU!! HA HA HA!!!”

This was me, my crying baby, my pretty little sling, and the stroller he used to scream in!
Each week, I sort of wanted to kill her. But, I’d force a smile, place my order (shush, bounce, shush, bounce), wait for my order (shush, bounce, shush, bounce), and then meet up with my friends. I couldn’t sit down to eat, because the crying would be sooooo much worse, so I’d shush-bounce-shush-bounce my way through lunch, trying to participate in conversations but never finishing a sentence, dropping bits of food on Leo’s angry little noggin all the while. It all sounds pretty horrible as I type it but it was wonderful to be supported, furious baby and all (EXCEPT for the cashier. I could do without her). I had found my village.
My point is, Leo was A LOT of baby. Then, he was A LOT of toddler. Then, A LOT of preschooler, and then A LOT of Kindergartener. You get the idea. In the early days, weeks, and months, I didn’t realize how different he was from other babies, probably because I was so busy trying to get him to calm down. I think I was afraid to say that motherhood was really, really hard and often sort of crappy.
I only told Schizz, and usually only after snapping at him over something trivial while bouncing and shushing, bouncing and shushing. If I put Leo in a bouncy chair so that I could take a shower, he would scream the entire time. If I put him in the excersaucer so that I could pee, he would scream the entire time. If I put him in the swing so that I could make dinner, he would scream the entire time. If I put him on the floor with toys and books and lullaby music and whatever else They Said I should try, he would scream the entire time. Leo also screamed in the car… as in blood-curdling-run-you-off-the-road-crying… for the first two years of his life. The cliches were true: I loved this baby boy more than I thought I could ever love anyone, but he was a lot of work. It took so much to get him to be calm and then, when he finally was content for a moment, you were so caught off guard that you didn’t actually do anything but be amazed by his momentary silence.
Wearing him certainly helped somewhat. But I couldn’t just wear him. That wasn’t enough. Friends and family told me that I should put him in front of the TV so that I could get a little break. I’ve never been a TV person. And I’m an educator and I know babies and toddlers should not be plunked in front of the TV. But I was desperate. I tried television and Leo hated it. He would seem enthralled for, oh, maybe twenty-five seconds, and then he’d start screaming. I had to wear, bounce, shush, sing, vacuum and talk and talk and talk to him to get him to be content (one would expect a new mom to slack on the vacuuming but it was one thing that kept him quiet. We had wall-to-wall carpeting at the time and our house looked like a showroom! Lines, lines, lines). And I would read to Leo. You’re sitting there thinking I read children’s books. You’re correct… I did. But, I also read parenting books because I was desperate to find the answer that would make him happy: Happiest Baby on the Block; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child; The No-Cry Sleep Solution; Baby 411; The Nursing Mother’s Companion… I also read novels. These were Leo’s first chapter books. Whatever I was reading at the time, I read aloud to Leo for hours, while pacing the freshly vacuumed floors of our home. I didn’t actually tell anyone this because I thought it sounded weird, but those were the quietest (waking) moments that we had together those early months.
Second, Leo has some sensory processing challenges. This is also a story for another day, but he’s been receiving outside occupational therapy services this year to address things such as: retained primitive reflexes, auditory sensitivity, difficulty crossing the midline with his dominant hand, and movement seeking. The sounds and visual aspect of TV is often just too much for him.
Dear MLP – You posted recently on the Gifted Homeschooler Blog and so I had to read some of your posts. Gosh your Leo sounds like our oldest (now 11). He used to scream and scream at age 4 when the TV show at his daycare was over and the credits were running (the 20 minutes of Signing Time they showed during lunch-prep; the only TV they had at school). In his mind, the TV should be turned off because they were wasting energy – the show was over! Stop wasting energy; there isn’t enough energy in the whole wide world! So that was one of our real aha moments that our life was going to be really really different. Looking forward to reading more.
Oh my goodness!! My guy also complains about turning it off as soon as the movie has ended for the SAME reason. Too funny!!
Thank you so much for reading. I’m glad you could relate to some of it. Please tell me it gets easier 🙂
Oh my word, I didn’t know that sensitivity to emotions was a “thing”! I do that and for the longest time I thought I was just bizarre. Eventually (after getting married, and going through marriage counseling) I realized that I was internalizing OTHER PEOPLE’S EMOTIONS. And thought they were mine, only confusing. And until I just read this I honestly had no idea that other people have this sensitivity as well. Wow.
Oh yes. I do that, too! It’s a strength, truly. It took me years to see it that way though!
Love love love this post so much!
It’s just so hard to explain this TV phobia to other moms without getting that “U-must-be-a-Tiger-Mum” look. And like u said, TV is everywhere. It’s a little heartbreaking when TV breaks out at playdates & u see your child realise that she’s not able to join the rest of her friends, Well, not yet anyways.
My little one used to guzzle down sippy cups of water in a state of panic whenever we put her in front of the TV!! It wasn’t until she drank till she puked it all out one day that she finally found her voice to tell us she was frightened 🙂 The only thing we could get her to watch was, as u mentioned, Discovery Channel or National Geographic. She’s almost 6 now and she’s still frightened but it gets a teeny weeny bit better each year.
And oh yes, she was that fussy, cannot-be-put-down baby in her earlier days 🙂
Oh, wow! What a smart kid to figure out a way to get out of it when the words weren’t working. Of course, perhaps the grossest way but it certainly sends a clear message 🙂
I love hearing about other kids like mine. Too bad we all didn’t know each other during those can’t-put-them-down days 🙂
[…] could tell you how he was terrified of TV (yes, you read that correctly!) until this past […]
HOW DID YOU OVERCOME THIS FEAR WITHIN YOUR CHILD? I BELIEVE IT IS WEARING DOWN MY PRECIOUS TODDLER WHO WANTS TO LEARN SO MUCH FROM TV SINCE OTHER TODDLERS SEEM TO BE OK WITH IT BUT THIS FEAR HAS GONE DOWN IN HER MEMORY.
I gave it LOTS of time. He was finally able to watch most age-appropriate TV programs by age 7. Hang in there. You aren’t alone!
[…] conquered so many worries in our son’s seven short years on this planet: crickets, thunder, television, automatic toilets and hand-dryers, swimming, tsunamis, war, fear of his sister getting hurt, the […]
I am extremely grateful that I have found your blog. I’m reading posts with tears in my eyes. Maybe we didn’t have a t.v, but, goodness, the whole baby scenario is everything to a T.
And even though my daughter was hardly exposed to t.v. and movies until about 3, her natural sensitivity was still apparent when we watched kids’ films on the laptop. Her eyes would grow so big, and I could feel her heart rate increasing. I learned quickly when it was time to fast forward and when it was time to turn it off all together. This made family movie nights a bit frustrating for a while, but I knew she would internalize it. She would dream about it and talk about it the next day. This didn’t just include the scary, bad guys in Disney, but it extended to anytime one of the characters was about to do something wrong or get into a sticky situation. Now that she’s five, the latter is even more painful than the former and, though she can’t bring herself to walk away, she quickly asks for it to be shut off.
So perhaps, no one is to blame for a fear of t.v. Perhaps it is a natural outcome of intense, deep emotion; emotion that stems from going beyond passive input to active processing.
Thank you for sharing your journey; it is a great help.
Allie, I am so glad (and touched!) that our story resonated with you. Intense, deep emotion for sure. Are you on FB? If so, please join our Raising Poppies group. You will find so many kindred spirits there <3
I’m digging around in your archives and come across this… “I wanted to love the song, too, but each time it came on the TV or radio, I felt so heartbroken and conflicted. Here we all were: watching and celebrating pop stars singing about children dying in Africa while there were children dying in Africa.”
We were separated at birth.
And your whole next paragraph. Cait. We are the same person. No wonder our oldest two are carbon copies. <3 Love you lady.
Parallel lives! And, yikes, this post needs some updating.
I literally feel so heard right now. I have been struggling for the past couple years now in a similar fashion. I just can not watch movies or shows or new movies anymore. Like exactly how you said, I feel real emotions when watching, I feel like I am there in the screen, and it’s a lot. I used to be able to watch almost anything and everything but now I can not watch anything that has any sort of death, large world problems, or anything super depressing and sorrowful, otherwise I will literally have a panic attack and have to remove myself from the situation.
It just came to me and I was like there has to be some sort of phobia, or specific anxiety that includes what I’m dealing with, and that’s how I came across your post. It sucks because I sit here typing this as my friend wants to go to the movies with me and I’ve already canceled seeing the new Wonder Woman movie with her, (even though I am a sucker for anything that has to do with female empowerment, which is why I was so bummed out that I’m struggling with this). I’ve tried to put these feelings into words but I’ve never heard of anyone else who struggles with this so I was like, am I just crazy? I couldn’t fully process why I get so triggered, but you just perfectly articulated exactly what I feel. And lol sorry I just realized I’m ranting but just thank you because it makes me feel a lot more normal in those feelings <3
I’m so glad this post resonated with you. You are not alone!
My 4yo autistic son is extremely sensitive to negative emotions and also has a HUGE phobia of television. So much so he can’t attend school because they use screens. Screens really are everywhere and it is a very limiting and difficult life. Interesting to see someone else living it to an extent.
You explained my exact experience as a first time mother to my son, now 9. He still cannot tolerate TV. Thank you so much for your post.
Solidarity, Michelle! It does get better!