Never, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine that I would homeschool my children. It was never on my radar and yet, in May of 2014, I found myself suddenly, unexpectedly homeschooling. The decision to homeschool was stressful and scary, but we knew it was the right choice for our son.
Since that time, I’ve connected with so many unexpected homeschoolers. Today, I’m going to share five things you should NEVER say to an unexpected homeschooler (and one thing that’s right on the money).
1. “BUT WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION?!”
Let me tell you something, guys. This question is plain silly business.
But it’s very popular silly business, and believe me when I tell you that this question has already crossed the unexpected homeschooler’s mind and she’s worried, too. Mostly because people keep asking her.
Here’s the thing:
In the traditional school setting, there are 20 some-odd kids in the same room. They are placed together because their birthdates fall within a 12-month range. These students spend class time, lunch, recess, field trips, and specials together. I am a product of this system and I turned out okay, but who says it is the best way?
When you homeschool, the child receives:
- 1:1 social-emotional support as often as it is necessary, not just 2x/week for 20 minutes if he or she qualifies for it.
- Constant practice of social skills, whether at home, in the community, at a co-op, at church, at a class, or online. Every single day is different and the child is exposed to people of all different ages, education levels, and backgrounds.
- The ability to spend time with people who share common interests, not just birth years.
I have seen remarkable growth in Leo’s social-emotional functioning this year. I’m not he only one noticing this growth, either. I am frequently approached by complete strangers who share stories of Leo’s kindness, ability to share with others, manners, conversational skills, and his compassion for young children.
You cannot tell me we would receive an equivalent level of socialization at school or… yes, I’m going there: on the school bus. I’m mean, c’mon folks. This question is just plain silly business.
2. “I’D NEVER HAVE THE PATIENCE.”
Dude. This is so not helpful. DO you remember Bambi? Thumper’s mom told him, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Listen to Thumper’s mom.
Please T.H.I.N.K. before you speak!
The reality is, she doesn’t think she’ll have the patience either. In fact, she’s sure that her well of patience has run completely dry. She’s scared and you’re not helping.
3. “BUT WHAT ABOUT [MIDDLE SCHOOL/HIGH SCHOOL/COLLEGE]?!”
Stop.
Just stop.
This mom is trying to make it to bedtime. She’s flying by the seat of her pants. Do not, for the love of mercy, ask her about college applications! Her son is SIX. He should be running around the backyard with a big smile on his dirty little face.
Just stop.
4. “IN THIS DISTRICT?!”
Yes, in this district. Did you think she was going to up and move? Believe me, this mom is not homeschooling her child in order to offend you and your phenomenal school district. She knows her child better than anyone else on God’s green earth and she’s well aware of the district’s many accolades. She bought a house here, remember? One size does not fit all.
5. “WILL YOU HOMESCHOOL ALL OF THEM?”
Calm down, people! Let this sudden, unexpected homeschooler survive the year. She has no idea what she’s doing and she’s scared out of her pants. She’s not thinking about homeschooling more than this one. She’s in survival mode.
But… if we’re being honest here… I bet if you ask her that question next year, she’d give you a mischievous smile.
Here’s the one thing you CAN say that’s right on the money:
“You’ve GOT THIS.“
She might not realize this yet, but no one is better equipped to teach this child than she. After all, she was his first teacher. She taught him to eat, to sleep, to use kind words, to use the bathroom, to tie his shoes… and the list goes on and on and on. She’s been teaching him all along. She’s got this, she just doesn’t know it yet.
And if you are wondering what that homeschooler isn’t sharing with YOU, check this out:
Now it’s your turn: What would you add?
Your best post yet. I wish I could not just pass this around, but actually convince people of the reality of this. I started my journey last year and my son is 5. I secretly read a lot about homeschooling gifted children, but have to stop after spurts of reading and run to my husband and say oh my, what if he is THAT gifted. 5 year olds normally read at above a fifth grade level independently, right? Oh please say right. That’s what goes through my heads. That and 5 years old will not kill me (the OE and the oppositional but why questions are out of control some days). Oh and asynchronous has become my personal mantra to get through the day. Okay, I’m too verbose at this hour.
On the other hand, those of us with average kids, whom I “think” are ok (meaning, no major learning disabilities are apparent that would require support/coaching/money to pay for appointments) are also freaking out – what if what I’m offering is actually stunting her? What if when she goes back to school she’s not ready to speak her mind and will be looked over and ignored? What if? Self doubt is a very hard thing to deal with, especially in regards to our children’s education and future and minds and emotional states. I hear you! Both sides of the coin are going to be worried. It’s very, very tough if your child is of a different skill set and temperament than yourself. I’m glad there is support for this educational pursuit – because it’s challenging to me emotionally. On the plus side, I’m glad there are the times I can just give her a 10-minute “Hug Station” and let her melt in my arms and hear how much I love her and how special she is to me…before we go back to the hand writing and math facts. She is 6. She’s a kid. She is happy and healthy. There are many good things happening, even when things aren’t perfect.
Thank you, Tracy 🙂
Kat, I love the “Hug Station”- so sweet!
If I had a dime everytime someone mentioned #4 to me, I’d be rich. Our elementary school is excellent and it also has a farm. It’s a good school, but I made a different choice. Apparently that makes me crazy.
I’m right there with you, Kelli! We’re a National Blue Ribbon school, but one size does not fit all!
This has been a common comment to us as anyone hears the rumor that we may homeschool – they are offended that we would even consider it here. We chose to live here for the schools too but plenty has changed in 6 years and 3 kids. I wish people knew it’s not all about some universal ranking of “better” and “worse” options.
I hear this a lot. You are not alone!
Love these. This is our 2nd year to homeschool and I constantly get “I just couldn’t do it. I don’t have the patience. ” or “what are you going ti do about high school? I can’t even help my son with 2nd grade math?”
And the always popular “my kids would miss their friends too much.”
I know! As if they don’t see friends now! Ha!
I love when people say, “that’s great, they’re going to get such a great education.” It’s really encouraging! I also love it when people tell me I have great kids who are very fun and interesting to talk to.
Among other things, I don’t like when people say, “I know you’re probably doing a great job, but there are a lot of people homeschooling who really shouldn’t.” I dont have any special qualifications or super powers, I’m just like every other homeschool mom trying to figure this out every single day. Don’t suggest that I’m somehow superior to other homeschool moms, for whatever reason. I don’t even know what their logic is in saying this.
Yes! I get that one too. So much judgment!
Or when they say to you “So you have a teaching degree? Ummm no. I’m learning with them!!
And that baffles people. 🙂
I completely understand you and get where you are coming from, I have been there, but that again most of the people do not intend to be mean or hurtful with those questions, a lot of them are sincerely perplexed about homeschooling and just ask the questions that pop into their head.
Given I have been homeschooling for a while now, but I still get asked some of those questions and people are just sometimes naive and actually interested in how you are going to do it.
Naturally there are those that just put their noses up at you, but I usually do not engage into conversations with those people and just reply that this is the best choice for our family and leave it at that. This usually stops those nasty people in their tracks and we change the subject.
Do not worry about homeschoolng, and do not make it overly complicated, that’s what I did the first couple of years. You’ve got this!
Though my family has been kind of planning and researching homeschooling for a couple of years now, I can relate to this post in that it looks like we’re going to be moving into homeschooling ahead of what we’d planned, thus making us unexpected homeschoolers. Thanks for this post. It was encouraging.
Thanks for reading, Nancy!
As a Home Educating dad in the UK, yes we get those statements as well. The first one especially and I agree somedays I’m just winging it until it is bedtime….usually mine! (My kids 6 and 8 tend to go to bed when they want, they know when they’re tired and we usually don’t have to rush about in the mornings.)
My other two favourites are:
1. What about exams? – well they’ve got at least 8 years before that occurs, by which time, knowing our government, those exams may have changed..a lot. I’m more concerned about today and whether my 6year old is going to do anything else other than attempt to play his keyboard along to the many youtube music remix videos he currently loves.
2. They won’t have any friends! – yes we’ll ignore that my two aren’t cooped up in a classroom all day only surrounded by children of the same age/ability. We’ll ignore that we are out in the real world meeting and speaking with a variety of people of all ages. We’ll also ignore that when my two come across children who attend school, say at the park on a Sunday, my two get blanked and ignored no matter how hard they try.
Oh and yes I DO have a teaching degree and NO it doesn’t make it any ***£(@(£@ easier!
Love all of your points, Dan! I’m always winging it ’til MY bedtime 🙂
I love this post… in the past, I’ve been guilty of #2 with my unexpected homeschooling friends, and I needed this reminder! Thank you for much needed perspective, and for all the support you give parents.
When people hear I am homeschooling my son wih ASD, they often say How do you do it? I couldn’t do it.” I smile. And under my breath I mutter “I didn’t realise there was any other choice.”
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So excited I found this site but am looking for a good homeschooling program while my son, Ian, and I are homeless in Alb., NM!! Long story!! He tested into 5th grade English in 2nd grade etc. We have no choice but to homeschool and he is excited to do this; I just have to find a good quality program cheap or free for now!!
What a tough situation, Christine! Do you have a library card? I swear that is the ONLY thing you need to homeschool. Promise!!
Yes, great list! Even though I am not an “unexpected” homeschooler – I’ve planned it all along, the list is appropriate for me too. I’ve had every single one said to me many, many times, and I have a few to add. One often goes along with #2, and its, “Oh, I wish I could homeschool too.” Sometimes it’s because they don’t think they have the patience or the education, but often they think they don’t have the finances. Without looking through the financial records of the people who have said that, I’d say most of them could, they just don’t want to, and that’s OK! I feel like people sometimes feel the need to make excuses for not making the same parenting/educational choices as me and that’s kind of annoying.
Another one I get is, “Oh, so you can go ahead of the schools” or “You can be challenging them more than they would be in school.” Or something like that. Let me tell you something: I taught second grade for 10 years and school is very challenging for most kids. Maybe it’s an academic subject, or all of them, or the social expectations, or the day-to-day routine, or sitting still, or whatever. I’m homeschooling so my kids can learn at their own pace and interest level. I don’t care if they are “behind” or “ahead” or (likely for most kids) really good at some things and not as good at others. They are who they are and will learn what they need to know, and more. I find I say, “Actually I’m homeschooling so they can have more playtime and less academics” quite often, and people are shocked!
That mini-rant over with though, I will say that the vast majority of people I encounter are supportive and /or just generally curious about homeschooling, and I don’t mind their questions or comments at all.
I loved your mini-rant and I agree- most people have been completely supportive. 🙂
My kids laugh when people say “Oh, I don’t have the patience to do that!” I am trying to see this as an opportunity to do a bit of homeschooling advocacy… while I blush brightly. It’s not about patience, it’s about persistence!
And another fun one is “Is that legal?” (um, why are you asking me this?) Have you seen The Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List?
I was homeschooled myself (1980’s, NYS) and we had a lot more than weird questions – we were told we were un-American, my parents were required to go to the district psychologist, etc. Ten years later, when my sister started at home (unexpected homeschoolers, both times) just after I started at college, the district sent my parents a disclaimer letter to let them know that she would never be able to attend college because they were homeschooling her!
Homeschooling my kids has been an entirely different experience. We started out following a Waldorf approach – that “more play, less academics” that Peggy mentioned, and it was hard to explain… but rarely criticised. All a persona has to do is talk to your child to see it is working! We actually have people ask us randomly if we homeschool and then say they thought we must because the kids behave so well!
WRT the dreaded Socialization Question, look up “What about Socialization? From Another Angle” – Very Funny, a little bit sad. (Like that line in “It’s beginning to look a lot like Xmas”: “and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again!”)
You can find it here: http://www.thsc.org/2012/08/what-about-socialization-from-another-angle/
And the Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List (which is more sarcastically funny, not really bitter IMO) can be found here:
http://homeschoolcollegecounselor.com/outside-the-box/bitter-homeschoolers-wish-list/
(It was written by Deborah Markus for her sadly short-lived publication “Secular Homeschooling”)
These are absolutely fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing them with me!
The one thing I would say to the unexpected homeschooler is “Have you joined the Home School Legal Defense Association?”
Who will you call if the Child Protective Services worker shows up with a police officer demanding to see your children?
Don’t think it can’t happen to you.
There are people who hate homeschooling and hate you for doing it. One anonymous call to CPS is all it takes, no matter how favorable a climate for homeschooling you think exists where you live.
My wife (mainly) and I homeschooled 5 children K-12 and were HSLDA members the whole time.
Thank you for this! I’m in this spot right now. I have a 10 year old with some processing challenges & have decided to homeschool him. Thank you for all the thoughts & wisdom you have shared! I’m scared to death! I also have a 9 year old that isn’t sure she wants to do homeschool. Can I ask you your advice? She said she likes to be over at school & she does fine in school, but she also likes her autonomy & I think she might enjoy the freedom that homeschool provided in exploring her interests. I know you can’t make my decision for me, but do you have any thoughts on trying to homeschool with a reluctant child. I’m not sure if I should have her try a year & if she really didn’t like it, she could go back to public school or keep her in public school for now & see if by watching her brothers experience she decides she may want to try it. Any thoughts? Thank you!
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I had a reluctant child when I first started. I dreaded what it could be like, but I felt I had no other option. It turned out beautifully. You may be surprised! And, if not, homeschooling does not need to be a permanent decision. Do what is best for your child in the moment and, if that changes, change again. Best of luck to you, Ann. You’ve got this!
As a home school graduate, I swore I’d never home school. Then God gave me a gifted ASD child and placed me in a very rural location with NO school choice. She’s 5, we’ve decided to home school kindergarten next year, and I have been asked every one of these questions, repeatedly. And another one: “What curriculum will you use?” I’m trying to figure out how to cope with a child who still isn’t potty trained but figured out division on her own, along with how to keep her 4 year old sister from feeling neglected because she doesn’t need therapy, and struggling with an extremely strong willed 2 year old. Curriculum? I’m trying to figure out how to survive till bedtime and how to maintain my marriage! I feel like shouting, would you like to keep my children for a day so I have time for a coherent thought?
Oh my gosh, YES to everything you wrote, Stephanie. I haven’t had a coherent thought in years! 🙂 The curriculum question is a frequent flyer. How did I miss that one here?
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Short but surreal and somewhat profound response to the socialization question:
Getting run over by a car doesn’t teach you how to drive.
Can be spat with increasing venom depending on how much isolation and bullying the child experienced.
I like this!
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